It seems like months since I’ve posted anything here, oh wait, it has been. In March, I queued up a month’s worth of posts in anticipation of my open liver resection surgery.
My final real-time post was about the loss of Jeni. I didn’t know then that the difficult recovery I faced would have me praying for her and my Grandma to wrap their love and prayers around me like a blanket. I repeated it in my head again and again the night my fever was at 40C (104F) and I ached with hard chills and the ceiling was blurry. It was worse than childbirth and worse than passing a kidney stone. But not so bad that I let go of my faith or my kindness. I could have lashed out, but I didn’t.
Not that I remember that night, but the priest who stood by my bed until I was out of the woods told me about it all when he returned to sit with me a few days later. One month of my life was spent either in the hospital or in my bed at home. One month in which my son LB mastered walking and my Dad took on my role as primary caregiver and head chef. I missed all that. After a month of optimism, can-do cheerfulness, aches and jaundice, I just wanted to be home hugging LB. By then, my Dad had returned to the States to my wheelchair-bound Mom and his day job so that brought on a whole different set of tears.
Even after I got to return home, I felt out of sorts. Had I forgotten how to be the Mom that does it all? Did LB forget about me? He only visited me in the hospital once or twice a week because I do not want him exposed to the floating germs, chemicals and radiation hospitals inherently have. At one point, I had a radioactive test done so I could only wave at him from six feet away when he visited. That broke my heart and made me feel more alone than if he hadn’t come at all.
But this post isn’t about the hardship, it’s not even about the feeling that Spring happened without me, this post is about how some days are answers and others are questions.My Mom once told me that when I was unemployed and single and feeling a bit confused how I fit into the world. Well, the first half of 2013 has certainly been more of a question, but I am hopeful (hem, determined) that the latter half of this year will be an answer! So, let the days roll on and may I be able to enjoy them more fully now.
I promise to write a post explaining the surgery and recovery in more detail with a big old disclaimer to not read if you’re squeamish. When I found out about my surgery, I read a similarly detailed post which really helped me mentally prepare for the ordeal.